Let’s just jump right in, shall we? I’m the one in italics.

Johnny, thanks so much for sitting down with us.

JD (doing his little smirky face): There’s only one of you.

I’m using the journalistic “us”, Johnny.

JD: Can I smoke in here?

Ha! I smoke constantly in my blog. I’d be offended if you didn’t smoke. By the way, last night was awesome.

JD: I’m sorry?

You know, last night? When we attended the Oscars together and I got up and threw a shoe at the presenter because you got screwed out of yet another “Best Actor” and then you said “That’s my girl!” and then we made out?

JD: Um….(exhales smoke)…that didn’t actually happen.

*rolls eyes* Ohhhhkay. Anyway,is it true that you named your son, Jack, after an imaginary pirate that you play in a movie? Because if that is true it would be ridiculous. Ha ha. I mean people think that I named my son, Jack, after an imaginary pirate that you played in a movie and then I have to remind them that he is actually named Jackson, which I got off of Hannah Montana and that it is just a coincidence that the short form of Jackson is Jack (which, as you may be aware, is the name of an imaginary pirate you played in a movie).

JD: What is truth, really? I mean, we all have this concept of truth and really everyones concept is so different and Tim, you know Tim, (runs hands through hair) is , like, he has this beautiful perspective and so…

Who?

JD: Tim. Tim Burton. We have a new movie coming out.

Again?

JD: Uh…yea. Isn’t that why we’re doing this interview?

Oh, right, sure. Ha. So, let me guess…Helena Bonham Carter is in this one too *coughbangingthedirectorcough*.

JD: Yes, she plays the Red Qu-

A lot of people say I look like Helena. You kind of have to agree:

Helena

Me

JD: Yea, so…as I was saying-

Do you remember when I said I would never talk to you again because you worked with Roman Polanski and then it turned out you said all these mean things about him and then I forgave you?

JD: Uh, no?

Dude, it was on my Facebook.

JD: Okay, I’m going now.

One last question…do you always show up for interviews shirtless or was that just for me?

*door slams*

Johnny? Johnny?

And there you have it folks, my world exclusive interview with Johnny Depp. Celebrities can be so touchy, what with all the looking around for the exit and taking out restraining orders.

Editor’s Note: The author’s son is in fact named after her Godfather, John, who goes by Jack and is one of the men she most admires in the world, but really one family can only handle only so many people named John and even though she did get the full name Jackson off of Hannah Montana, that was pretty much an afterthought.