Every time I go to an event the photogs are all up in my grill. With good reason…I am a classic 1940′s beauty. But they never publish my pics!!! Which is understandable, because I look like ass in pictures.
Do your job, people. Make me look good. Ya fuckers.
We already did the lazy river ride three times but it was me and Jack and TMIM, so I thought it was cool to just have me and Jack go.
But, the thing is Jack has this issue with not feeling the ground under his feet, I have no idea what his problem is. So basically we wind up in the “river” with him on my hip and me walking and just holding the stupid tube. I can see the first checkpoint and I’m all like:
“Shit! We are totally gonna get called on this!”
And Jack’s all like:
“Sit! Sit! Sit”
And then I go
“Stop cursing! We’re already in enough trouble!!”
And sure enough this emaciated 12 year old informs me that “You have to be in a tube.”
Me: “Not gonna happen, bro. I’ll climb out right now if it’s a problem.”
Infant With Whistle: “Why don’t you try putting the tube OVER you guys?”
Me (holding baby + tube, while telling randoms passersby to mind their own business): “Sure. Because that worked so well the first time.”
***Brief struggle with tube, baby, fatness and life-jacket***
Infant With Whistle: “It’s getting caught on the life-jacket.”
Me: “No way! For realz??? Thank you for that insight! You are the awesomest lifeguard EVER!”
IWW:” Just keep to the side then.”
There must be a secret lifeguard code because none of them said a word for the rest of the trip.
It’s about dreams again, okay? I cannot help it, I has them.
So in this one, I was literally in a kung fu fight with President Obama (pbuh). And he was kicking my ass! He really wanted to fight! So we fought for like forever…
And then we had sex.
And he was AWESOME.
I think there may be a metaphor or possibly an analogy in this, depending on how my understanding of how language works.
“Well, it’s not my fault you have small tits.”
This is especially important if the person you are talking to is about to give you a shot.
“Wow, and I thought MY kids were annoying.”
“When are you due?” (FTR, that one is not me. It was said to me. My reply:”Two years ago, asshole.”)
“Cheryl, get the fuck over yourself already.”
You know how sometimes you’re walking and you stumble or even fall and you’re NOT EVEN DRUNK???
So here’s what you do…jump back up, throw your arms out (even do a toe point, if you are so inclined) and go: “Ta -daaaa!”.
This works every single time.
You’re welcome.
The Wee Jack is saying many, many words these days because he is the most awesome genius child ever. One of his favorite words is “clock”. Which he pronounces without the “L”. Repeatedly and very loudly.
Am I really this close to being one of those moms who videotapes this kind of stuff and puts it on The YouTube?
Yea, probably.